Africa: The Cradle of Man-'key' – Characteristics of the African Politician

Hi, I am African, I hate a wasted journey, Soyinka might say. (Before we go ahead, you will encounter a lot of references to Kenya, but it is just a case in point. Everything that might happen in Kenya happens anywhere in Africa). You really hear a lot about Africa and you do sometimes doubt what you hear about us. I will give you that information first hand. Africa is a good place to live in, for anyone. They say it is the cradle of man and I don't doubt that but it seems all the best men who came out of Africa left her and left behind a bunch of whatchamacallem? We are not really monkeys in Africa but we have a great number of them, literally and metaphorically. We do not live in trees but climbing them monkey style is easy for us. Africans are really nice people to live with, even as a foreigner, and African women are what do we say . . .? The bomb. Their behinds are the best on the planet and are sexy as hell, if hell be so. The greatest problem in Africa is not the perennial droughts and diseases. It is the politicians. Kenyan politicians are the most malicious politicians on earth. They reject a most important bill just for selfish interests. You do not see a realistic MP who comes out, despite his political affiliation, to support a bill that he believes is for the good of the nation. They are the most tribalistic people in Kenya, constantly reminding Kenyans which 'side' they come from and hence who to vote for. They can say anything, so unprofessional are they – if theirs is regarded a profession – and as a result any public rallies are usually what you wouldn't desire to watch, let alone attend. And thanks to technology, you can watch parliament sessions live BUT no one in Kenya watches these monkeys as they debate in their base ways, baser than seventh graders. No one would like to watch one's MP saying a thing that the least educated man in the community wouldn't. These are the monkeys we have in Africa. But don't get me wrong, we have some wonderful politicians, but very few fall in this class. The President of Kenya (Mwai Kibaki), no matter what they say, is the greatest politician Kenya has seen and might see in several decades. He is not the type that runs his mouth. He is calm and diplomatic. You might need to read the speech he gave on Madaraka Day (Independence), 1^st June, 2011. Regarding the current border crisis with Uganda, he said the Kenya cannot afford to go to war with her neighbours, and a lot more. Some would wish to see a President Bush in Kenya who they say 'doesn't give a f***'. Why would you go to war over some rocks in L. Victoria and lose millions in trade not to mention financing a war, that would probably never end soon? If I was in charge of giving the Nobel prizes, Kibaki I would give the Peace one. Don't get me wrong, we have some other politicians who would do the same thing but the biggest lot of them is what qualifies to be monkeys. That is not the main issue. You might not want to read about Kibaki all day, and it wasn't my intention to write about him, but his way of handling situations overwhelms me. As a reminder, the Kenyan economy has explored heights that never were before, under the regime of Kibaki.

The African politician is so selfish that soon as he gets to the place of his dreams, he forgets the promises he made to the people who helped make him who he is. He criticises current regimes and when he gets to power what does he do except repeat what his predecessor did? It is only in Africa where the Opposition wins all elections, no matter how unpopular it might have been, and if it doesn't it tags elections 'rigged'. And the West is usually another bunch of fools, whoever 'West' refers to, because they always come to support any side that complains. They come and ask: “Who is complaining? What is the complaint? You won the election? They rigged, huh?” What follows is the West claiming: “Our observers observed the massive rigging and threats issued systematically to supporters of the Other Party, and we declare the whole election (they usually say 'electoral process') a sham. The West cannot therefore do business with the current regime . . . .” You know what follows? No one accepts and there are chaos and at the end of it all, a Prime Minister is born. Opposition leaders, who are far from convincing the nation that they can deliver, get to be PM's. This is not a reference to any specific situation. I cannot say more than was said of the Kenyan situation, but notice how PM's come about in Africa. And it is all because of the monkey in the African politician. If you rigged my election and therefore denied me the chance to be president, that would be my best weapon against you. I would say it was rigged; matter of fact I would accept the 'defeat', if I really cared for my country. (Imagine what comes out of a rejection: you saw it in Kenya). The people would even call for the president to step down, just by the way I choose to act. If I decide to go diplomatic, I will get the love of the people. But if I’m all in foreign media preaching how it was rigged, more people hate me, riots even break out. And do you know the reason they do this? It's because they give not a damn what happens, as long as they get to the top: they are greedy to lead. If greed be the music of love, play on. I imagine what goes on through their minds: "I have to be president, I have to be, no matter what. If people die who cares? Long as I be president". I wish we remained with our own traditional ways of leadership.

African politicians are so greedy that if greed be the ticket to that place they call Heaven, almost all would get in, without any argument or doubts from St Peter at the gate. In Kenya the only bills they pass unanimously are the ones that touch their salaries which are forever on an upward trend (word is: they are among the MOST HIGHLY PAID IN THE WORLD), and in this process they do not differ, be they Opposition or Government. This happens while the most important people in the country, the civil servants, are paid peanuts, if I could use this overused phrase. Kenyan doctors for instance, soon as they graduate, leave for greener pastures to the UK, USA, among other places. Kenyan educators are littered all over Africa. Unfortunately I fall in this category. These, who educate the politicians, are among the most poorly paid.

If you still think the African politician is not the monkey you are wrong. In Africa, MPs advocate for as many of their type in that house they call the parliament that it might take more time to conduct a census there than a national one. Just because of their greed and selfishness, they do not step down, even when charged in court, but suggest that another post be created for anyone else who wants a post. That is it: it's all about posts. You will find four prime ministers, two being the real, and the rest their juniors, or deputies. A case in point: Kenya. Is Kenya so rich as to afford having a president, a PM, and around four deputies? Who knows? It might be rich enough. In some other countries we have a Cabinet Minister, a Minister of State, and both have at least two deputies. Then we have an MP, a Woman MP, and their deputies, a Councillor and a Woman Councillor, and their deputies. This goes on to the lowest level of a contestable vacancy. We almost have a man this and a woman that. Is this gender equality or gender stupidity? Using our money to pay two MPs in one constituency just to show us how gender sensitive you are? First of all, the reason you would need two MPs in a constituency is absurd. Second, does one MP deal with the ladies, the other with the gents? In Africa, where more than anywhere else in the world there seems the need for gender equality, you might soon hear Man President, and Woman President, in the same country.

African politicians are the greatest thieves at large. They make laws that operate on double standards. They embezzle billions of US Dollars, which are hard-earned by the poor peoples, and roam free. On the other hand, in Africa, if you happen to steal, say, a hen, because your family might starve if you don't, woe unto you for that might be the last feathery animal you ever see or eat because no doubt you will either be lynched by the frustrated Africans – and please don't blame them: they are frustrated enough to do so – or the 'long arm of the law' will soon catch up with you and put you behind bars, for life most of the times. It's amazing how embezzlement cases get dropped out of lack of evidence, but the one who stole a hen and cooked it, disposed of all evidence is soon put behind bars. As a result, African prisons are full of, among others, petty thieves, drunks, poor people who could not pay their debts on time, mainly due to the embezzled money. And all these are frustrated poor Africans.

To cut the long story short, the average African is very good. If he acts real bad then know he is frustrated by the system. The problem with Africa is the politician. Every bad thing that happens in Africa should be blamed squarely upon the aforementioned creature, including natural disasters!

© kimannpaul@yahoo.com 2011