My Ethiopia

They call it 'the land of the thousand smiles' or in case you speak a little of that thing spoken by Sarkozy, 'le pays des mille sourires'; it is home of the Ark of the Covenant, the Biblical one believed to have been brought here from Jerusalem by Emperor Menelik I, son of Queen Sheba and King Solomon. So here you will find actual descendants of wise King Solomon and Queen Sheba of the Bible, etc., etc. O! Not to forget the great Haille GebreSellasie, the one who gives Kenyan runners a pure headache. Ethiopia is revered by the Rastafarians, it is their Zion.

Ethiopia borders Kenya to the south, Eritrea to the north-east, Somalia to the east, the two Sudans to the West. It has a great topography, if I remember my geography right; and a great people. If you are a tourist looking for a place to get away, my Ethiopia is the place, that is after you have visited the world-known Maasai Mara, where you see the world as it was in the very beginning, animals roaming everywhere and the 'eighth wonder of the world' – the wildebeest migrating in millions. Once you are here in ET, you will need to visit places like Bahar Dar, Gondar, Axum, Yeha, Harar, among others.

Wondering why a Kenyan would be writing all this? Look. I came here exactly six months ago and I have seen a lot. But the aim of my writing is to be a little critical. You want to try this, I'm sure.

If you are an African, or have African origin, come here and ask around. People here do not believe they are African, not that they hate Africa, but for strange reasons which they cannot explain. Wherever I go and speak English, for Amharic here is spoken by about everybody, English by less than 20 percent, well, wherever I go they always ask me whether I'm Ethiopian, for they say that I look like them. If I say that I am not Ethiopian they always proceed to ask me whether I am African to which I always say “Yes”. But whenever I ask them whether they are African they say “No, we are Ethiopian”. May be their geography teachers do not do enough trying to let these people know that they are actually African in the sense that they are living in Ethiopia, which is not located somewhere in Mars but in Africa! Another question that they might ask if not the first is whether I am Jamaican! I do not think Jamaicans have a peculiarity, if not for the ganja they love, but it is understood that they love Ethiopia so much, some of them actually settle here, especially the Rastas, in a place called Shashamane. And this started a long time ago when Rastafari Mekonnen was still emperor, google that and find out for yourself.

Another peculiarity of Ethiopians is how they have failed to appreciate the hanky, and all its relatives like tissue. God! People here blow their noses right inside a building, or right in front of you. This is especially bad when it is windy because they do not care whether you are downwind or upwind, they will blow all right, and expect that you forgive them or excuse them depending on how serious the flu is. That is one thing I have never come to grips with. You will see a very beautiful lady blow her nose right into the palm of her hand, and then proceed to greet you. I say, the beauty disappears when you see this barbarian act. Ladies have a way of concealing that blowing – they do not do it in the wind but in the palm of their hands. It happened to me one day. I went to the baker's to buy some bread and the woman there blew her nose noiselessly on her palm. Bread here is never wrapped and they have a habit of handling it with their bare hands. So right after she blew her nose she went ahead to handle it. I showed a disgusted face and went on home to give that bread to the landlady's dog.

Another thing, if you think that you are naturally a comedian and you would say a few God and Jesus jokes, even church jokes, do not set foot here. You will be hanged, mark that, hanged, the second day. Religion here is a thing they hold dear, and they have a right to, seeing that they have the relationship to that wise king and the Ark, not to mention that the country is mentioned severally in the Bible. So if you would like to crack a few of those jokes, just go south to Kenya. People there will give you an ear and they are going to be shedding tears laughing.

Another thing about Ethiopians is how they board taxis, as they call these minivans. They never want to sit at the extreme corner or seat, no matter where they are going. You might break a bone trying to squeeze past three grown man who will not move to that extreme seat for reasons known only to them. And if they happen to sit at the window, they do not want it open, even under the sweltering heat of the country.

O! I almost forgot: if you come to Ethiopia, be sure to taste their coffee, known as buna locally. They usually have a unique ceremony where they sit around a person who is making coffee and talk and drink when it is ready. They drink this coffee for many hours and that is what makes it a ceremony. It tastes good but what bothers me about it is the fact that they do not usually buy processed coffee, even for two cups of coffee. They prefer to buy the coffee beans and roast them for almost an hour, after which they crush them and later on make you some coffee. If you are the type that has no patience, do not ever follow somebody who invites you to a cup of coffee at home, it will take more time than it takes to roast a goat! I like my Nescafé. It takes less than a minute to make! If you wanted to venture to the coffee processing industry, Ethiopia is not your place. They produce a lot of coffee but they would rather it was not processed for them.

I do not mean to be mean on the Ethiopian way of life. I was just pinpointing the various differences as they occurred to me. You might go to any country and you will no doubt get things like this to write about.

That is my Ethiopia for you!